2010 & Moving... Still.

Been a good four months since I ranted on this blogomagig, but I guess that's a good sign? Seems as if things actually have been looking mighty fine in this 2010 year that I was oh so hoping to be restorative and redeeming.

Easy-be RECAP:
1. Life is good
2. God is faithful
3. Staying healthy (spinning, gyming, yoga-ing, jogging, wee!)
4. Good conversations have passed and more to come!
5. Got myself a job, and moving forward.
6. God is faithful...
7. Learning, growing and figuring things out.

...and the list goes on. I find it quite amusing that in 2009 I was hoping so badly that the upcoming year would be SO much better than before, but from what I've learned so far, perspective has kept me in my place; no matter what year it is, what may come up ahead, I must work on NOW and not focus on how things could get better-- such a big hole can (and has) been dug!.

Just thought I'd drop by and get my mental gears going before I completely forgot my little worldwide soap box. It's been grand and boy has it been helpful!

More later... when I think of something with substance.

Wahoo.

23 and 2010.

So the wonderful part of having a birthday in December is that you have the chance to reflect on the past year in age and as a whole year in its entirety.

Like previous posts mentioned (and sometimes ranted far too much), you can get that 2009 has been a trying and challenging year personally. Road bumps, mountains, unexpected emotional shifts and drifts have all played its part in the wear and tear of my emotional, spiritual and yes, physical condition.

But ah, let's not focus on the beautiful mess of the past 12 months, but turn our eyes to the skies and praise God for what is ahead and most importantly, what is now.

I am determined to surround myself with healthy vibes, conversations, people and consistent and stable friends and family to keep me grounded to attempt to change the course of my life. I've written some personal mind-sets, if you will, to remind me daily of my life and how carefully I must treat it.

Jump on my 2010 hype and join the fun!:

1. Healthy Health-Me!
...wholesome and healthy conversations, thoughts, productivity and activity. Eating right. Exercise. Nothing too ambitious, but a realistic and capable goal.

2. My identity in Christ
...this is focused on knowing who I am in Him and remembering that I am only accountable to my Utmost. Understanding this will then create an emotional ground for myself and for the ever-changing circumstances that seem to keep slapping me in my face here and there.

3. Be Still
...for a person that so naturally loves being on the go and being surrounded by good people, I tend to forget that I thrive and survive from moments of silence and prayer. "Me time" is crucial, especially at the delicate age of 23 and so the act of "being still" will create positive movements of change.

4. Appreciate Pain
...yes, life is hard and will put unforseen mountains in the way, but God has well equipped me to climb it and keep going. Praise God!

5. Be a Disciple
...I realized that I have had a whole year to focus on myself without any "spiritual" obligations. I am confident that my hiatus is over and I am ready to get my feet wet again! I am ready to use my resources, be mindful of my harvest and have at God's blessings.

Mega stoked, ready to be used and keeping my head up.

... that's only a handful and I challenge and encourage you all to not set goals for yourself, but develop Higher purposes for the next year to come. Accountability runs good conversations, and I plan to have MANY of those...

Bless and be Blessed,

...me, myself and I.

My Season of SOLitude.

It seems as if nothing has changed since February.

Considering the many rants I've posted on this wonderful "blogosphere" (bah!), I realized that the times that have caused me pain, discomfort, dissatisfaction and confusion have all been stemmed from one source.

This reminds me of Einstein's famous quote that states that insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. Each month, each week, and each sleepless night have all fueled my insanity and the lies and unanswered questions have all been things that I have still not been able to fully grasp and come to terms with.

It's not easy letting go and forgiving that which is familiar to you. Regina Spektor's song "Eet" somewhat touches on that subject:"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song/ You can't believe it/You were always singing along."-- Yeaa, can't believe I just quoted a song (how lame!)

When I've hit the second or third day of true solitude I always feel a sense of relief and finally fresh air to breathe. I can sleep. I can think for myself. I can actually hear myself think. I can doubt myself, rather than someone else.

I.
am.
FREE.

A person can fill you up with words and sweep you off your feet with gifts and quick run-ins into town, but the real indication of change was always behind closed doors: when I wasn't there, when the storm has calmed and when things were seemingly okay. But even then were the most painful realizations that even behind closed doors is when wandering eyes didn't think much of spending the night two hours away from home, when forty-five minutes was too much to see me. Painful, I know.

Sleepless nights? The thought that keeps me up the most is trying to figure out how any decent human being can know that he has caused so much pain, yet still have the audacity to do the same thing again. You either get it or you don't... and clearly, he didn't.

Change seemed to be apparent in February...and then July...and then October.

It should never be THIS hard. Once should've been the end, but I guess my limits are really being tested.

And so now I am trying my best to soak in my season of SOLitude:release, freedom, change, learning, hope and RESTORATION.

The joy of the Lord is most real in my life during these brutal moments in which I experience, and have been, for the past ten months. God really wasn't joking when I asked Him to challenge me and prepare me as a wife.

And yes, God laughs...

But ah, enough with the pity, we gotta move forward folks!: may I be humbled by His grace as I seek to KNOW what grace looks like when it has fallen from my fingertips. There is nothing I want more from these experiences than to know God and be closer to Him.

My season of SOLitude is a season of pain and acceptance.




...And I really am okay with that.

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But oh, let's not forget favorites! That is not to say that there has never been moments of joy, smiles and happiness. I would have never been able to feel pain if I had not felt happiness before. But even in my most painful state, I am joyful in Him and appreciative for the times in which we've learned, grew and fought until we realized that the only thing we have is prayer.

At a loss?! Never. With an eternal eye, "if God is for us, who can be against us?"




Prayer and progression.

...Smile you.

Met Someone?

I found it funny that someone asked me if I met someone. Met someone like slumber-party-take-a-trip-to-Tahoe met someone or like let's-go-galavant-around-Sac/Vallejo/Tahoe/Fiji/the mountains/Hawaii... met someone or mini-adventure someone or moved-on met someone or forget-about-fav-I'm-just-not-gonna-say-anything met someone?

I can't seem to figure out the difference.



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Ah, yes... indifferent is the word.

"Cheers, to my Husband" (revisited)

I was going through some old files and came across this little rant. I still remember sitting on my bed in Berkeley, still very confused and very much so defeated by what seemed to be a year of on-again and off-again relationship-type relations. (Thas wasssup.)

My only backbone was focusing on God and the good that He wanted to come out of this disappointment of Fall 2006 that lead to the day I wrote this little rave.

So, I revisited today, and began to reflect on how things have changed from then until now (overwhelming in itself!) and the path and journey of brokenness and the beauty that follows restoration.

Today, there are moments of indifference and moments of hope. Revisiting this has brought me back to my roots and joys of being single. Remembering the satisfaction of being still, knowing God and fitting within His parameters of love, my future, and now.

Enjoy, with an open heart and an "easy-be" mindset. Good, better and best. Relationships and my personal convictions and reservations are still very much beyond me, but God, who remains the same, stays consistent and ever so faithful.

I've been helllaa gooods, yo. I just had to revisit my foundation.

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Sunday, September 23, 2007 Cheers, to my husband. I know I'm going out on a limb here. Lately, in all honesty, marriage and family and all those fun "grown-up" ideas have been more than appealing to me- they have been "no bueno" (in my roommate's language) and now it's time for me to get to the root of the matter =) So, my self-destructing mind and heart has been having this overwhelming desire to be in a relationship (finally, I'm getting to my point!)- whether I find him at the grocery store or walking down the street, it all boils down to me wanting to have someone. Which, now that I think of it, is pretty much me pretending to be a wife, and him pretending to be my husband- again, whoever he may be. And before I continue, I must give credit where credit is due. Most, if not all of what you read is not something that came to mind when I woke up one day. God has blessed me with living clean vessels and doers of His word that have been used to challenge my spiritual walk. Although I have been mentally, spiritually, and emotionally drained, those "butt-kicking" times have proved to sharpen who I am and who I let myself be in my identity with Christ- something I've been longing for since day one. Your impact is truly beyond me, and my future husband will one day thank you. After many M.I.A sessions and randomly poking my head in Vallejo here and there, I must say that it has been and will continue to be one looooooonnnggg and challenging journey. God has broken me down and built me back up- or perhaps I have done that to myself ;) In any case, selfishly, this little "write-a-note" section all boils down to my benefit; but somewhere in my heart I passionately write this anticipating that my brothers and sisters shall hold my hand in this emotionally driven, yet spiritually captivating lifestyle. So please read on as if culture and society were nonexistent. Be open to conviction, and let it manifest itself so strongly within your faith; so much that as you read, however uncomfortable you may feel, you'll continue reading until you have fully grasped and connected Christ's teachings with your willingness. I must add, before I end up with no friends (ha!) that this is in no direct accusation towards anyone or any couple- for that matter. Like I said, this note is selfishly for me. I, too, am human and as I share my convictions, as well as weaknesses with you, I then ask you to keep me accountable to your fullest capacity whenever I share with you my emotional heartaches, confusions, and crazy stories of infatuations (Praise God for your ears, Shay!). In my quest to be single, or bitterly speaking, in my calling of celibacy, I have realized and am still trying to apply, that relationships, when viewed upon in a Godly perspective, is simply a social construct (one, out of the many things I learned from a man after God's own heart.) Like I said before, all of this is based on my spiritual convictions, and me writing this is in no way contingent upon my personal life. Growing up, I have been automatically taught that Christians get into relationships to glorify God together, and with that mind-set, those relationships are considered legit. Putting all other technicalities aside, the idea of "glorifying God together" raises a number of unaddressable issues or problems- I don't even know what to call it. I was, I believe, twelve and a half when I learned this concept, and I was already getting pointers on how to make a relationship work. Little did I know that, according to what I know now, relationships (if you are in no condition to support or start a family) in no way glorifies God. What is the difference between me glorifying God with my boyfriend and me glorifying God with a fellow brother in Christ? Is it the emotional intimacy and involvement one experiences in not only being able to lust, (oops, I mean love) someone as well as glorify God at the same time? Maybe, just maybe, that is it. Selfish... just maybe. In my head, a man and a woman (not a boy and girl) are given grounds to be in a relationship when they are ready to get married. EUREKA! =) Particular emotions are to be solely experienced by your husband or wife, no pretending involved =) My next question that I struggle with is this: How then, will I be able to find a husband (sadness!) when I am not cultivating a relationship with anyone? My conviction is this: To not let myself get into a relationship. Guard my emotions, my desires, until I am ready. Yes, God has blessed me with emotions to feel a certain way for someone, but I believe that this is only grounds to prepare myself to be a woman of God- satisfied, complete, and FULLY aware of who she is in Christ; and with that focus, will come, God-willingly, my capability to be a Godly wife, in full submission to her husband, but equally compatible to the man she loves. And here, I end, once again reiterating that this is to not place judgment on anyone, but rather anticipate a common understanding with my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I write this, screaming for accountability, cause God knows I can get on my emotional trips of fairy tales and sappy love song modes. So, please, by all means, keep me in check. I invite you all to challenge me and be challenged. Please, let me, in humility, seek to serve and love God in the most purest and nonconformist way. Cheers, to my husband. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2