My Season of SOLitude.

It seems as if nothing has changed since February.

Considering the many rants I've posted on this wonderful "blogosphere" (bah!), I realized that the times that have caused me pain, discomfort, dissatisfaction and confusion have all been stemmed from one source.

This reminds me of Einstein's famous quote that states that insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. Each month, each week, and each sleepless night have all fueled my insanity and the lies and unanswered questions have all been things that I have still not been able to fully grasp and come to terms with.

It's not easy letting go and forgiving that which is familiar to you. Regina Spektor's song "Eet" somewhat touches on that subject:"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song/ You can't believe it/You were always singing along."-- Yeaa, can't believe I just quoted a song (how lame!)

When I've hit the second or third day of true solitude I always feel a sense of relief and finally fresh air to breathe. I can sleep. I can think for myself. I can actually hear myself think. I can doubt myself, rather than someone else.

I.
am.
FREE.

A person can fill you up with words and sweep you off your feet with gifts and quick run-ins into town, but the real indication of change was always behind closed doors: when I wasn't there, when the storm has calmed and when things were seemingly okay. But even then were the most painful realizations that even behind closed doors is when wandering eyes didn't think much of spending the night two hours away from home, when forty-five minutes was too much to see me. Painful, I know.

Sleepless nights? The thought that keeps me up the most is trying to figure out how any decent human being can know that he has caused so much pain, yet still have the audacity to do the same thing again. You either get it or you don't... and clearly, he didn't.

Change seemed to be apparent in February...and then July...and then October.

It should never be THIS hard. Once should've been the end, but I guess my limits are really being tested.

And so now I am trying my best to soak in my season of SOLitude:release, freedom, change, learning, hope and RESTORATION.

The joy of the Lord is most real in my life during these brutal moments in which I experience, and have been, for the past ten months. God really wasn't joking when I asked Him to challenge me and prepare me as a wife.

And yes, God laughs...

But ah, enough with the pity, we gotta move forward folks!: may I be humbled by His grace as I seek to KNOW what grace looks like when it has fallen from my fingertips. There is nothing I want more from these experiences than to know God and be closer to Him.

My season of SOLitude is a season of pain and acceptance.




...And I really am okay with that.

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But oh, let's not forget favorites! That is not to say that there has never been moments of joy, smiles and happiness. I would have never been able to feel pain if I had not felt happiness before. But even in my most painful state, I am joyful in Him and appreciative for the times in which we've learned, grew and fought until we realized that the only thing we have is prayer.

At a loss?! Never. With an eternal eye, "if God is for us, who can be against us?"




Prayer and progression.

...Smile you.