"Cheers, to my Husband" (revisited)

I was going through some old files and came across this little rant. I still remember sitting on my bed in Berkeley, still very confused and very much so defeated by what seemed to be a year of on-again and off-again relationship-type relations. (Thas wasssup.)

My only backbone was focusing on God and the good that He wanted to come out of this disappointment of Fall 2006 that lead to the day I wrote this little rave.

So, I revisited today, and began to reflect on how things have changed from then until now (overwhelming in itself!) and the path and journey of brokenness and the beauty that follows restoration.

Today, there are moments of indifference and moments of hope. Revisiting this has brought me back to my roots and joys of being single. Remembering the satisfaction of being still, knowing God and fitting within His parameters of love, my future, and now.

Enjoy, with an open heart and an "easy-be" mindset. Good, better and best. Relationships and my personal convictions and reservations are still very much beyond me, but God, who remains the same, stays consistent and ever so faithful.

I've been helllaa gooods, yo. I just had to revisit my foundation.

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Sunday, September 23, 2007 Cheers, to my husband. I know I'm going out on a limb here. Lately, in all honesty, marriage and family and all those fun "grown-up" ideas have been more than appealing to me- they have been "no bueno" (in my roommate's language) and now it's time for me to get to the root of the matter =) So, my self-destructing mind and heart has been having this overwhelming desire to be in a relationship (finally, I'm getting to my point!)- whether I find him at the grocery store or walking down the street, it all boils down to me wanting to have someone. Which, now that I think of it, is pretty much me pretending to be a wife, and him pretending to be my husband- again, whoever he may be. And before I continue, I must give credit where credit is due. Most, if not all of what you read is not something that came to mind when I woke up one day. God has blessed me with living clean vessels and doers of His word that have been used to challenge my spiritual walk. Although I have been mentally, spiritually, and emotionally drained, those "butt-kicking" times have proved to sharpen who I am and who I let myself be in my identity with Christ- something I've been longing for since day one. Your impact is truly beyond me, and my future husband will one day thank you. After many M.I.A sessions and randomly poking my head in Vallejo here and there, I must say that it has been and will continue to be one looooooonnnggg and challenging journey. God has broken me down and built me back up- or perhaps I have done that to myself ;) In any case, selfishly, this little "write-a-note" section all boils down to my benefit; but somewhere in my heart I passionately write this anticipating that my brothers and sisters shall hold my hand in this emotionally driven, yet spiritually captivating lifestyle. So please read on as if culture and society were nonexistent. Be open to conviction, and let it manifest itself so strongly within your faith; so much that as you read, however uncomfortable you may feel, you'll continue reading until you have fully grasped and connected Christ's teachings with your willingness. I must add, before I end up with no friends (ha!) that this is in no direct accusation towards anyone or any couple- for that matter. Like I said, this note is selfishly for me. I, too, am human and as I share my convictions, as well as weaknesses with you, I then ask you to keep me accountable to your fullest capacity whenever I share with you my emotional heartaches, confusions, and crazy stories of infatuations (Praise God for your ears, Shay!). In my quest to be single, or bitterly speaking, in my calling of celibacy, I have realized and am still trying to apply, that relationships, when viewed upon in a Godly perspective, is simply a social construct (one, out of the many things I learned from a man after God's own heart.) Like I said before, all of this is based on my spiritual convictions, and me writing this is in no way contingent upon my personal life. Growing up, I have been automatically taught that Christians get into relationships to glorify God together, and with that mind-set, those relationships are considered legit. Putting all other technicalities aside, the idea of "glorifying God together" raises a number of unaddressable issues or problems- I don't even know what to call it. I was, I believe, twelve and a half when I learned this concept, and I was already getting pointers on how to make a relationship work. Little did I know that, according to what I know now, relationships (if you are in no condition to support or start a family) in no way glorifies God. What is the difference between me glorifying God with my boyfriend and me glorifying God with a fellow brother in Christ? Is it the emotional intimacy and involvement one experiences in not only being able to lust, (oops, I mean love) someone as well as glorify God at the same time? Maybe, just maybe, that is it. Selfish... just maybe. In my head, a man and a woman (not a boy and girl) are given grounds to be in a relationship when they are ready to get married. EUREKA! =) Particular emotions are to be solely experienced by your husband or wife, no pretending involved =) My next question that I struggle with is this: How then, will I be able to find a husband (sadness!) when I am not cultivating a relationship with anyone? My conviction is this: To not let myself get into a relationship. Guard my emotions, my desires, until I am ready. Yes, God has blessed me with emotions to feel a certain way for someone, but I believe that this is only grounds to prepare myself to be a woman of God- satisfied, complete, and FULLY aware of who she is in Christ; and with that focus, will come, God-willingly, my capability to be a Godly wife, in full submission to her husband, but equally compatible to the man she loves. And here, I end, once again reiterating that this is to not place judgment on anyone, but rather anticipate a common understanding with my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I write this, screaming for accountability, cause God knows I can get on my emotional trips of fairy tales and sappy love song modes. So, please, by all means, keep me in check. I invite you all to challenge me and be challenged. Please, let me, in humility, seek to serve and love God in the most purest and nonconformist way. Cheers, to my husband. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2